Nevermore
by Arctic Squirrel
Summary: My first One-Act play. A farce on Poe's "The Raven", and I'm very proud of it!


Scene 1 (The Curtain opens to a rich, but dismal-looking, Victorian-era room. The fire in the hearth is dying and emitting a blue glow. There are three French windows, and snow is falling lightly. The silhouette of a dead tree is visible in the window. There is library on the stage right. Downstage right are two voluminous Victorian chairs and a coffee table. Percy is sitting in Lenore's chair, his head dramatically in his hands. He is dressed in mid-Victorian garb, and has been made to look a lot like Poe. He rises and begins to speak the last stanza of "The Raven." There is dramatic music playing in the background.)  
  
PERCY: And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my Chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's That is dreaming, And the lamp-light o'er him streaming throws his Shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies Floating on the floor Shall be lifted-nevermore!  
  
(The lights fade to a greenish-blue haze and the dramatic music that has been playing in the background grows louder as the scene fades into a black out).  
  
PERCY: (neurotically) Was that okay? Do you want me to do it again? 'Cause I can do it again. I think I said "Lenore" with too much lust. Can we run that one more time?  
  
CHRIS: Percy, it's fine, just leave it the way it is. (Looks up to the lighting booth) Virginia? Could you run Cue 14 please? Yea, the creepy sound. (Creepy sound plays) Thanks.  
  
PERCY: Fine?! But we can't leave it at "fine!" We open tomorrow! And those audiences at the Toledo Theater Festival are ruthless! We can't be fine we have to be perfect!  
  
CHRIS: By fine I meant perfect. All right, Percy?  
  
PERCY: No you didn't! Maybe if I- (He begins to retrace his steps on the stage and JERRY enters. Jerry is the stage manager and is donning a pair of headphones connected to a walkie-talkie and is carrying a clipboard and a can of coffee.)  
  
CHRIS: Jerry, would you please keep Percy away from me so I don't strangle him.  
  
JERRY: All right. Here's your coffee.  
  
Chris: Thanks (Chris takes the coffee tin and dips his hand into the grinds, takes some out, and chews them.) Ah. okay. I'm good for another five hours.  
  
Jerry: Why don't you just get an I.V. and have caffeine put directly into your system?  
  
Chris: 'Cause I might get addicted. (Chris exits)  
  
Percy: Ah! Why isn't this working! (He is tramping around on stage and gesticulating.)  
  
Jerry: What's the matter, Perce? (Charlie, Virginia, and Will enter and begin tinkering with things on the set.)  
  
Percy: What's the matter?! My hands won't obey me! (Starts to get into major-drama-mode and Virginia watches with rapt attention) I can't make my voice work the magic that it once did. I cannot command the attention of an audience like I used to. Even my feet won't take me where I tell them!  
  
Charlie: Well, you did gain that extra ten pounds over Christmas.  
  
Percy: (slowly and angrily turns on Charlie) Why are you here?  
  
Charlie: (Happily) I work here.  
  
Jerry: I'm sure it will be just fine. You're an excellent actor and you have all your lines memorized. The performance will go perfectly.  
  
Percy: What if they don't like me?  
  
Will: (sarcastically) Oh, how could anyone not like you? (Charlie laughs. Percy gives Will an evil glare and storms off the stage).  
  
Virginia: Leave him alone, guys. He has a lot on his mind. There is a big performance coming up and he has to be prepared!  
  
Charlie: Virginia, it's a theater festival.  
  
Virginia: So?  
  
Charlie: Hosted by the AEP Coal Company.  
  
Charlie: So it's not that big of a deal.  
  
Ron: (up in the catwalk [BANG!]) OOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!!!  
  
Jerry: Are you all right, Ron? (Jerry looks up to the catwalk).  
  
Ron: Ungh.  
  
Jerry: Do you need some help?  
  
Ron: I'm seeing triple.  
  
Jerry: Will, do you want to check that out?  
  
Will: I'm scared of heights.  
  
Jerry: Charlie? (Charlie mutters something incoherent.)  
  
Jerry: Ugh, fine. Hold on Ron, I'll be up in a second. (Jerry runs off stage).  
  
(Charlie takes out a pack of ticktacks and starts throwing them in the air trying to catch them in his mouth.)  
  
Will: (teasing) So, Virginia. How's it goin'?  
  
Virginia: Shut up, Will  
  
Will: What? I just asked you a question!  
  
Virginia: Yea, and we all know that we always end up talking about the same thing and I am really not in the mood today.  
  
Will: (still teasing) Why whatever do you mean? What do we end up talking about?  
  
Virginia: Leave me alone, Will.  
  
Charlie: I know! I know! She has a crush on Percy!  
  
Virginia: Charlie!  
  
Charlie: Virginia and Percy, sittin' in a tree-  
  
Virginia: Charlie! Shut up!  
  
Charlie: K-I-S-S-I-N-G!  
  
Will: (still teasing) Why Virginia! I had no idea that you have feelings for our Perciful!  
  
Virginia: Don't call him that!  
  
Charlie: His name is Perciful? Seriously! Oh my God! (Charlie starts laughing as Chris enters followed by Jerry who is toting a rather disgruntled-looking Ron whom has a bandage wrapped around his head. Percy is trailing sullenly behind).  
  
Charlie: Jeez, Ron! What did you do?  
  
Ron: I ran into a pole. (Charlie starts laughing and Jerry hits him over the head with her clipboard.) Ouch!  
  
Chris: All right! Notes! Joe and Val! Where are you? (Joe and Val come on stage carrying a stuffed pigeon and some black paint).  
  
Chris: Okay.. Notes. Virginia-little late on the sound cue. Will- can we do something about that tie that Percy is wearing? (Will nods, and Charlie takes out his mints and starts throwing them in the air and trying to catch them in his mouth again). Okay. Val and Joe-Why is the Raven a pigeon?  
  
Val: We don't have a Raven.  
  
Chris: Ah.  
  
Joe: But we're painting it black.  
  
Chris: The night before the show? (They both nod.) Okay. Percy-keep doing what you're doing.  
  
Percy: But-  
  
Chris: (angrily) Keep doing what you are doing! (Percy tries to speak but Chris cuts him off.) Jerry-please make sure the stage-blocks are set. We don't want our walls rolling away in the middle of the production. Ron-we need to replace the gel on light 14. Charlie-stop doing that! (Charlie stops mid-throw with his tic-tack-tossing and it hits Percy on the head).  
  
Charlie: Sorry Merciful. (Everyone but Virginia laughs).  
  
Virginia: That isn't nice. (Charlie and Will start laughing harder).  
  
Percy: Thank you, Vicky.  
  
Virginia: Virginia.  
  
Percy: Virginia.  
  
Charlie: You don't even know her name! Oh my Go- (starts choking on a tic-tack. Will thumps him on the back. The tic-tack comes flying out and hits Percy on the face.)  
  
Percy: You are disgusting. (Charlie smiles and nods).  
  
Chris: All right everybody, good work. I think we've got a good show here, guys. Now, I know that tonight is New Year's Eve, so try not to get too smashed for tomorrow's show, okay? (Everyone laughs except for Percy).  
  
Percy: Wait-you're not actually going to go out drinking the night before a play are you? (Everybody nods). But wait-!  
  
Chris: All right! Everyone remember, we've got to be ready at six- tomorrow morning. Be there a little early if at all possible. See you tomorrow!  
  
(Everyone leaves. BLACKOUT).  
  
SCENE II  
  
(Percy is in the Green room getting dressed. Jerry is helping him).  
  
Percy: What if something goes wrong, Jerry? I don't think I could handle that. My nerves are shot already.  
  
Jerry: You're an actor, Perce. Just ad-lib.  
  
Percy: You can't improvise Poe! It's poetry! It's set! It's famous! There will be people in the audience today that will know every word to every stanza in that poem and if I mess up just once they'll be on me like a pizza at a weight watchers convention.  
  
Jerry: Would you please just relax! Nobody likes a nervous actor! Audiences are like animals. They can smell fear. Just go out there and be the self-confident, egotistical thespian we all know you are.  
  
Percy: (sarcastically) Oh, please, spare me the confidence-boosters. Ouch! You poked me!  
  
Jerry: Sorry. We're ten minutes 'til curtain. Good luck.  
  
Percy: (Gasps in terror and clutches his heart.) What-did-you-say?!  
  
Jerry: Good-(Percy Screams) Oh yeah. Break a leg. (Percy relaxes slightly). You'd better get on stage, pal. Ya ready?  
  
Percy: (hesitantly) Yeah.  
  
Jerry: All right! Let's go! Let's go! Move! Move! (Jerry and Percy exit).  
  
(The Green Room is empty for a moment, then Will, Charlie, and Virginia stumble in with beer bottles and party hats and are obviously very drunk. They run around raising hell for a little while until Jerry comes in.)  
  
Jerry: What are you doing? We're on in less than four minutes! (They start giggling and Jerry takes in the scene slowly and carefully). Oh my God. You're drunk.  
  
Will: Well, Thank you Captain observation. (The three of them burst out laughing.)  
  
Jerry: What in God's name possessed you to drink until 6:00 in the morning?  
  
Charlie: Hey! Hey! Hey!  
  
Virginia: Stop yelling!  
  
Charlie: We did not drink until 6:00. We started an hour ago and we're still goin'!  
  
Jerry: Well you're not anymore! (Jerry grabs the bottles out of their hands).  
  
Charlie: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeey!  
  
Virginia: Stop yelling!  
  
Jerry: Would you please just get in your places! Now!  
  
Will: Places for what?  
  
Jerry: ARG!  
  
Virginia: For the play, stupid! (Will turns to face Virginia angrily).  
  
Charlie: Ooo-hoo-hoo! Showdown!  
  
Will: Why are you so mean?  
  
Jerry: That's it! Get to your places! NOW!  
  
Virginia: Not so loud!  
  
Jerry: Go!  
  
Virginia: Oooowww! (The three walk out)  
  
Jerry: (On her headphones) Hey, Val? We're ready. Just give me two more minutes. Is there a problem? (Charlie wanders on to the stage and passes out). No. Just give me two minutes. Thanks. (She walks over to Charlie and screams in his ear) GET UP! (Charlie gets up and runs out and Jerry follows him out.) I want the curtain up in one minute.  
  
Blackout  
  
(The curtain opens and there is a fire burning in the hearth. Percy is sitting in his chair reading a book in full Poe garb. The following line is very mellow-dramatic.  
  
Percy:  
  
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, Weak and weary, Over many a quaint and curious volume of Forgotten lore- While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there Came a tapping (there is a loud bang on the door, which startles Percy, but he keeps going) As of some one gently rapping (another loud bang at the door). Rapping at my Chamber door-(he anticipates it but nothing happens). "'Tis some visitor," I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door- Only this and nothing more."  
  
Ah, distinctly I remember it was in the bleak December; (outside the window all the snow drops at once). And each separate dying ember wrought its ghost Upon the floor. (Fan shtick begins) Eagerly I wished the morrow; --vainly I had sought To borrow From my books surcease of sorrow-sorrow for the Lost Lenore- For the rare and radiant maiden whom the angels Name Lenore- Nameless here for evermore. And the silken, sad, uncertain rustling of each purple curtain (The hair-dryer that has replaced the fan goes on and reveals Ron passed- out behind the curtain) Thrilled me-filled me with fantastic terrors Never felt before; (Percy tries to cover Ron up with the curtain. He ends up wrapping it around him). So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I Stood repeating, "'Tis some visitor entreating entrance at my Chamber door-(tries to signal to Joe to stop the hair dryer). Some later visitors entreating entrance at my chamber door; -- This it is and nothing more."  
  
Presently my soul grew stronger; hesitating then No longer, "Sir," said I, "Or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore; But the fact is that I was napping (Ron falls over and takes the curtain rod with him). And so gently you came rapping, And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door That I was scarce sure I heard you"-here I Opened wide the door; --(opens the door and Will is standing there. He waves and smiles at Percy, but somebody grabs him by the scruff of the neck and jerks him backward.) Darkness here and nothing more.  
  
Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood There wondering, fearing, Doubting, dreaming dreams no mortal ever dared to Dream before; But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness Gave no token, And the only word there spoken was the whispered Word, "Lenore?" (Virginia wanders on to the stage and smiles at the audience). This I whispered, and an echo murmured back the Word, "Lenore" (Virginia echoes him. This is the first time Percy realizes she is on the stage, and she begins her rant. Percy is basically shocked into silence throughout the whole ordeal)  
  
Virginia: Aw, Perciful, you look so cute when you're scared. (She looks at him more closely) or really, really angry. You're just cute all the time. Cute! Cute! Cute! Cute! Cute! Did you know something Percival? I like that name.Perciful. I could say it all day long. (She begins to say "Perciful" the same way she said "cute" but slurs her words horribly and gives up.) But did you know that Poe's wife's name was Virginia? Did you know that? No? So I guess I'm kind of your wife now! (She laughs and snorts) So I guess this is okay! (She throws him on to the couch, jumps on him, and kisses him passionately. Percy is simply terrified. Virginia picks up on this when she finishes). What's the matter? Wait a minute! You don't even know my name! You jerk! I've had a crush on you for three months and you don't even have the common decency to learn my name! Well, I don't wanna be your wife any more! I want a divorce! I'll see you in court! (She flops into a chair).  
  
Percy: Only this and nothing more. (Virginia starts to snore. Percy turns the chair around, tips her out of it, and turns it back around.)  
  
Back into the chamber turning, all my soul within Me burning, Soon again I heard a tapping somewhat louder than before. (Charlie is pressing his face up against one of the windows and making faces at Percy). "Surely," said I, "surely that is something at my Window lattice; Let me see, then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore. (Percy notices Charlie) Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery Explore;--(Percy purposely flings the window open as hard as he can, hitting Charlie full in the face)  
  
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"  
  
Charlie: Oh my nose!  
  
Open here I flung the shutter, when, with many a flirt and flutter, In there stepped a stately Raven of the saintly days of yore; (The raven "flies" in and hits Percy in the face. Apparently the raven has just been painted because there is now a huge black mark on Percy's face.) Not the least obeisance made he; not a minute stopped or stayed he; But, with mien of lord or lady, perched above my chamber door-(The raven makes its way over to the door. Val, who is running the puppet cuts the string over the door, aiming for the bust of Pallas. Unfortunately, it hits the bust and the bust goes crashing down and smashes to pieces. Joe puts her/his head in the bust's place and Jerry goes behind, operating the raven puppet.) Perched upon a bust of Pallas just above my chamber door-- Perched, and sat, and nothing more.  
  
Then this ebony bird beguiling my sad fancy into smiling, By the grave and stern decorum of the countenance it wore, "Though thy crest be shorn and shaven, thou," I said, "art sure no craven, (Ron wakes up and is apparently terrified by the fact that he is wrapped up in curtains. He runs around trying to get them off.) Ghastly grim and ancient Raven wandering from the Nightly shore-- Tell me what thy lordly name is on the Night's Plutonian shore!" Quoth the Raven "Nevermore." (The sound cue doesn't come, so Joe has to speak for the raven. Joe says it like a parrot.)  
  
(During this stanza, Ron picks up the curtains that he has been wrestling with and drapes them over him like wings and begins to strut around the stage like some kind of weird bird). Much I marveled this ungainly fowl to hear discourse so plainly, Though its answer little meaning--little relevancy bore; For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being Ever yet was blest with seeing bird above his chamber door-- Bird or beast upon the sculptured bust above his chamber door, With such name as  
  
Ron: Nevermore! (Ron flaps off stage).  
  
But the Raven, sitting lonely on the placid bust, spoke only That one word, as if his soul in that one word he did outpour.(Jerry sneaks on stage and drags Virginia off). Nothing further then he uttered--not a feather then he fluttered-- Till I scarcely more than muttered "Other friends have flown before-- On the morrow he will leave me, as my hopes have flown before." Then the bird said "Nevermore."  
  
Startled at the stillness broken by reply so aptly spoken,(Charlie and Will sneak on with a magic marker and begin to draw on Joe's face.) "Doubtless," said I, "what it utters is its only stock and store Caught (Charlie and Will look startled because at the word "caught" Percy is looking straight at them. They run off stage. Joe now has a mustache and other interesting features) from some unhappy master whom unmerciful Disaster Followed fast and followed faster till his songs one burden bore-- Till the dirges of his Hope that melancholy burden bore Of 'Never--nevermore.'"  
  
But the Raven still beguiling my sad fancy into smiling, (wheels a cushioned seat over to the Raven to look it in the eye, but the Raven falls off Joe's head, leaving only Jerry's hand sitting there.) Straight I wheeled a cushioned seat in front of bird, and bust and door; Then, upon the velvet sinking, I betook myself to linking Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this ominous bird of yore- (Percy picks it up and puts it back on Joe's head.) What this grim, ungainly, ghastly, gaunt and ominous bird of yore Meant in croaking "Nevermore."  
  
This I sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing To the fowl whose fiery eyes now burned into my bosom's core; (Will opens the door, which knocks Percy off of his chair. Will just looks around like he's lost, then walks off the stage. Percy, not one to give up, keeps on going). This and more I sat divining, with my head at ease reclining On the cushion's velvet lining that the lamplight gloated o'er, But whom's velvet violet lining with the lamplight gloating o'er, She shall press, ah, nevermore!  
  
Then, methought, the air grew denser, (Charlie crawls out of the fire place.) perfumed from an unseen censer Swung by Seraphim whose footfalls tinkled on the tufted floor.(Charlie pours himself a drink and downs it, then mimics Percy). "Wretch," I cried, "thy God hath lent thee--by these angels he hath sent thee Respite--respite and nepenthe, from thy memories of Lenore; Quaff, oh quaff this kind nepenthe and forget this lost Lenore!" Quoth the Raven "Nevermore." (Jerry runs out on stage, grabs Charlie, and drags him off).  
  
"Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil!--prophet still, if bird or devil!-- Whether Tempter sent, or whether tempest tossed thee here ashore, Desolate yet all undaunted, on this desert land enchanted-(The raven sighs lovingly. Joe shrugs) On this home by Horror haunted--tell me truly, I implore-- Is there--is there balm in Gilead?--tell me--tell me, I implore!" Quoth the Raven  
  
Virginia: I wuv you!  
  
Joe: (kicks Virginia) Nevermore!  
  
(Will, Charlie, and Ron all walk past the windows in togas made out of the curtains from Ron's curtain Rod fight. Val is trying to jerk them off the stage. They all get evil grins on their faces and start chasing her) "Prophet!" said I, "thing of evil--prophet still, if bird or devil! By that Heaven that bends above us--by that God we both adore-- Tell this soul with sorrow laden if, within the distant Aidenn, (Charlie, Will, and Ron, all have Val tied to a stick).  
  
Val: Help me! Let me go, you morons! (They exit and Percy just stares in disbelief)  
  
It shall clasp a sainted maiden whom the angels name Lenore-- Clasp a rare and radiant maiden whom the angels name Lenore." Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."  
  
"Be that word our sign in parting, bird or fiend!" I shrieked, up starting-- "Get thee back into the tempest and the Night's Plutonian shore! Leave no black plume as a token of that lie thy soul hath spoken! Leave my loneliness unbroken!--quit the bust above my door! Take thy beak from out my heart, and take thy form from off my door!" Quoth the Raven "Nevermore."  
  
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; (Val has escaped and is chasing her three captors across the stage with the stick she was tied to, and Jerry heads them off) And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, (Virginia wanders on stage with the raven still on her hand). And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor (Percy is screaming at this point). Shall be lifted--nevermore!  
  
Virginia: Stop yelling!  
  
(And Percy freaks out).  
  
Percy: THAT-IS-ENOUGH!!! SHUT UP!!! ALL OF YOU! JUST SHUT UP!!!!! (everyone becomes silent) SIT DOWN! (They all sit down). WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?! Hm? Are you thinking at all because it seems to me that you are all boarder line psychotic! (They begin to protest). Oh. don't even try that! You had that poor girl tied to a stick! Do you have any morals at all? Are you at all capable of humanity?  
  
Will: We're actors.  
  
Percy: Good point, but not an excuse! I've never seen you do a kind thing in your life, Will! All you do is go around cutting people down. And Charlie, you're just an imbecile. (points to Ron) Klutz! (points to Chris who has now entered the stage) No vision! (points to Val) Brown-noser! (Points to Joe) Geek! (Points to Virginia and hesitates for a minute). You're actually a pretty good kisser.  
  
Chris: Percy, I swear, if I ever-  
  
Percy: SHUT UP! GET OFF MY STAGE! ALL OF YOU! OFF! GET OFF! (He picks up the stick and begins to swing it at people until the stage is cleared. At this point he is very disgruntled. His wig has half fallen off and so has his mustache.) I have never not finished a play! NEVER! And I'm not going to start today!  
  
And the Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting On the pallid bust of Pallas just above my chamber door; And his eyes have all the seeming of a demon's that is dreaming, And the lamplight o'er him streaming throws his shadow on the floor; And my soul from out that shadow that lies floating on the floor Shall be lifted--nevermore! 


End file.
